im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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