umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
