what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
