maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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