im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
