Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
