Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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