Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
