i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
zippers are such a cool invention
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
