Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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