Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
