You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
