We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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