he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
