I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
