well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
