I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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