i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
