Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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