I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
