I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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