well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
