Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
