1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
