Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize