At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
