I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
