just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize