I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
