you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
