oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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