tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize