i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
