I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
