I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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