Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
