Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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