Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
