Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
