Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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