his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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