I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
