Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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