Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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