You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
