I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
