My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
