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I hate your face
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
