who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
