He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
