I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just had sex on a roof
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
