i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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