So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
