did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize