My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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