Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How does one acquire holy water?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
