It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
