I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
