I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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