just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
