Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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