What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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