My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
