Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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