You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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