The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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